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2002-09-03 - 2:56 p.m.|Hurt again I think I finally had to ask B. whether we were having a fling or something more. It was driving me nuts not knowing if I would ever see him again, every time we said goodbye. He said he was not looking for a relationship and that he had told me that in the beginning. He did tell me that but it was two months before we started and it was not in reference to me. So I said, you never told me anything. I said that it feels like more than just a sexual relationship. He was kind of appalled that I would think it was a purely sexual relationship, because, here it was almost 1 am when we were having this conversation and I'd been there since 10:30 and we'd not had sex yet. If he was just using me for sex, he said, he would have fucked me as soon as I got there and then tried to make me leave. And I said, I thought you really liked me, I know you care about me. I know you do. Of course I like you, he said, I like you because you are interesting in a weird way. So what's the problem, then, I asked. I don't want to be tied down, he said. I haven't tried to tie you down, I argued. Not that I've been with anyone else since we started seeing each other...he trailed off. But you knew in your mind that you could have I finished. So its simple, I said, are we dating or fucking? What is dating, he asked? Dating is getting to know each other and seeing what happens, I explained. Then we're dating, he said, we're getting to know each other. I said, I don't want to see anyone else. He said he didn't want to keep me from meeting someone up there at school. I said for the umpteenth time that being at school was like an extended business trip and I just want to come home next year. He just kept saying he felt bad, he didn't want to hurt me, blah blah. He is just a lovable person, he said. And I'm thinking, then why don't you want anyone to love you, if you're loveable. I don't think he knows what he's saying sometimes. And the other thing is, I hate pretending like nothing is going on when we're at work. He said, everyone knows. I said I thought it was some big secret. He said he's just not into public displays of affection. And I'm not either, I explained, you'll never see me hang all over you in public but I would like to hug you sometimes. I would like to come in to the restaurant and not pretend like I'm not there to talk to you. I know we smoked a cigarette then (evil) and then laid down and then of course he wanted to have sex, so I made him take his time and really work for it, and then he just wanted to touch me and stare at me and hold me afterwards. And I said I had to go and he asked all surprised, you're leaving? Yeah, I have to go home cause I didn't bring my stuff and I have to go back to school in the morning. But he just held onto me and kissed me and talked to me and looked into my face for about another 45 minutes, and I said, see, you don't want me to leave. I tried to explain again (I'd said before I'm not psychotic, I'm not trying to say I'm in love with you because I don't know you that well) that I just needed to know something didn't he know I was going to ask eventually what he thought about what was going on? He didn't really want to hear my reiteration. I wasn't trying to change his mind, I just wanted to get some validation that I was justified in asking. And I asked if he would come up Sunday and he said if he wasn't too tired and I said I respect you're a workaholic, I've known so many lazy motherfuckers. And he said he'd call me on the weekend and I got dressed and went to leave, then I went back in his room and got back in bed and asked, we're not gonna be different now are we? and he said no, and I said, I really do like to hear from you and we said goodbye. Now I want to stop thinking about this. There are so many things I don't understand, I am more confused now than ever. He didn't have to keep calling me when I went away. I left things when I moved so that he could have gotten away scot free. The relationship (ugh, I hate that word and I never used it in the conversation) is both ambiguous and ambivalent. And the one person who can explain it to me didn't. And if I don't hear from him I'll be sad but if I do I still won't have any peace.
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