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His friends hate their wives. At one point we are listening to the two of them rant while we sit holding hands, both of my hands covering his knee, his thumb stroking my top hand. My hands are saying, "I would never do that to you." I don't know what his thumb is saying.

Later in bed, I comment on having walked into this fishing trip as the ememy. I had asked him twice if he was sure he didn't want to go alone with his friends.

"It's not women who suck, its wives."

"I can't see myself ever acting like that. I'm getting my education so I don't ever have to ask someone for a dollar."

"You have your money, I have my money. As long as the bills are paid, I'm fine."

"You don't have to spend all your time with me. You go fishing, I'll go shopping. I think we're the only two sane people."

"Except that you're weird."

"What does that mean, you always telling me I'm weird?"

"You talk about ghosts. You listen to freaky music (I played a Modest Mouse cd while I gave him a massage because he wouldn't pick out any music). And you READ!"

"And you're still here."

"We're at _my_ house."

"Who called me four times today to get me to hurry up and come over? Okay, I'll leave."

"Did I tell you to leave?"

Every time I tell him I'll miss him when I go, that I did miss him while I was gone, he counters very quickly with a "Why?".

And I always answer, "Do you want a list?"

But I never give him a list. I'm afraid it would scare him off if I say I've been looking for someone like him. Who has heard about my nefarious past and accepts it as "experimental" (his word). Someone who is a linear thinker. A simple person, not chronically dissatisfied. More action than words. And I'm afraid if I can't tell him all this, there is no point in being together at all.

I know he jokes about marrying me for my grandfather's money, which my mother claims I won't even get. I maintain I do all I can for my grandfather, and its not in me to do any more for the promise of money.

At this point a joke about marriage could be a serious joke. Obviously we must be deciding if its possible even at this early stage, for what else is dating but one long interview for marriage, after I have fussed over him when he was sick and he has moved heavy objects hours away, and he has actually made friends with my often intolerable mother, this could not be just sex.

And I don't know what he has in mind, except that he will call me this week and is offended at the perceived suggestion that he won't call. And here I sit, miles from the phone, staying away from it so it will ring.

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