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Today I went to the nearest Metabolic Research Center and paid them $300 for a year of weight loss counseling. They tell me if I do everything they say I'll lose 50 pounds by September 16. I also have to buy supplements and protein drinks; the protein drinks are required by law so that clients don't lose muscle mass during rapid weight loss. I will be eating three meals a day which consist of four ounces of protein, some specified amount of a given carb, unlimited vegetables and a specified about of whatever fruit. This is supposed to teach me how to eat. The diet depressed me because I realize I won't be able to drink alcohol for months. I looked at the list and it was like, "nope, I don't see tequila, vodka, whiskey, or rum on here!" Its depressing because I love to get fucked up. Losing food and alcohol I have only one vice, can you guess which one?

I now weigh 190 pounds and I'm 5'6". I've been struggling with my weight for ten years. I was a really good looking teenager. Of course I didn't realize this at the time, but looking at the pictures I see now that I was. Even now I don't look like I weigh almost 200 pounds because I exercise all the time and they tell me a lot of it is muscle, but I wear a size 16 and I'd like to wear a 12.

My ten year class reunion is coming up in August. The men from my class are freaking out more about getting older than the women. I get emails all the time from guys I used to see, they say, "I'm about to get married/just got married and hey, remember that time in the back seat of my car out at blah blah blah?" Or else I hear from guys I didn't see who say "I'm not married yet and I always wanted to date you". One of them is coming to visit this weekend. He actually told me he has a good job and he would like to take me on a trip. I told him I don't look like I used to. I hope he isn't too too disappointed. The last time we saw each other I was at 160, not 135 like when we graduated. There has never been any shortage of people who wanted to sleep with me, I think everyone must just want to sleep with everyone because I get so many weird propositions, I mean most of the friends I have have approached me at one time. I think people see another person and think instinctively, "Can I fuck this or eat it?" I mean eat in the literal sense of consuming as food. But the last time I was in a relationship with someone I felt really cared about me I was 19. I've always thought that since people still found me attractive I didn't need to worry about the weight, but while people want to have sex with me, they never want to marry me. I have been left over and over for the most god-awful people. I think there is something wrong with me and no one will tell me what it is. And I want to settle down with one person. So what if it is the weight problem, and the insecurities it is obviously a symptom of, that keep the door to my bedroom a revolving one? I owe it to myself to find out.

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