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First of all, let's get this out of the way.

Dear You, (you know who you are, even though you'll never read this),

The only reason you're still mad at me is because it gives you something to do.

Love,

Me

I have a fear of yelling out inappropriate things in public. I am afraid I will stand up in church and yell, "I like oral sex!" or something that dumb. Or I fear I'll be talking to someone I don't know that well, but by virtue of them having lived here a long time, my mother values their opinion, and I'll uncontrollably ask them how their wife likes to do it, or whether they dress left or right, or just say something like "My, that's a long hair in your nostril!" This makes me think that you might be thinking of Tourette's syndrome. But I'll tell you I'm not thinking of Tourette's syndrome, and I'll tell you why.

See, my ex's band used to play a benefit for Tourette's syndrome, and lots of people with Tourette's syndrome would attend. I know people have this idea that Tourette's sydrome is wildly funny, like someone just shouts out "Cocksucking watered-down brussels sprouts up the river with shit on a plate, you bitch!" at random when they have it. But its really a lot less interesting than that. Being in a room that has persons with Tourette's syndrome evenly dispersed through it is like being in a roomful of strange birds that say, "Bop!" in varying pitches. Birds or frogs, I'm not sure which. And then intermittently they make faces, or move their hand the same way over and over. That's it. So whatever you saw that was so funny in some Satyrday Night Live movie was just embellished and much funnier that the real thing. So I don't think I have psychosomatic Tourette's.

And sometimes I do say rude things to people. But not without provocation. I say them, and I hear myself saying them, and then I realize its my voice saying to someone something like, "It must be very emotionally draining to you to be as annoying as you are." Or, "you look great, not like in high school when your hair stood up and you had black shit all around your eyes." Its just that I'm afraid when some old lady asks about my mother, I'll reply "she's fine, and guess what? I was tripping on acid one time and I drove by the place where that awful car crash that killed so and so was, and do you know I thought I saw notebook paper blowing all over the road? Just like the kids on the the school bus that saw the whole thing said!" Thats sort of thing.

Oh, and when I'm really hungry I feel this burble go up the back of my neck and hear this crickling sound.

My mom works at the middle school here in town, and tonight they had a luau for the kids. Her boss said she had to sell concessions, so she was gonna make up something wrong with herself and go to the doctor and get a doctor's excuse. And I said I would go and help her sell the concessions so she wouldn't have to waste all that money on the doctor. So there I was, in a hawaiian shirt serving nachos, blow pops, and orange soda and every child in the school owns a hawaiian shirt. Except these two girls I saw out front who were too cool. They showed up in black shirts and jeans. I never saw them inside. They must have gone home and changed or just gone home cause they were losers. Anyway, none of the kids were assholes or anything, and all of them said "Thank you" when I sold them their popcorn or sour patch tapeworm. But I knew I would hear something funny, cause kids are f**kin' hilarious, and finally I heard the best line of the night from a young man buying popcorn: "it just stinks when you have no one to share it with." My mom and I laughed so hard at, and were so sad for, that kid after he walked away.

My only regret is that I didn't go in and watch them dancing in the gym to see if kids still slowdance the same way. You know, girl's hands on guy's shoulders, guy's hands on girl's waist, arm's length apart and turning in a circle?

I don't know how to end this installment. I have something to say about middle school, I guess. I've openly acknowledged it was the worst three years of my life. And that I feel so close to my old friends here because they saw me at my worst, i.e. middle school, and we're still friends. But tonight I realized those demons from the past are just children who don't exist anymore. It had something to do with the fact that the building we were in tonight was my high school, and now its just a building for the most part. I had to force myself to see the past when I walked around in there. Its easier to see it now in my head, so I realize its the only place it exists. There, and in the heads of all the people I play let's remember with every day. And unless its real late at night, the only parts we remember out loud are the good parts. Its melodramatic to say this but I think everything will be less melodramatic from now on. Hope I still have something to say.

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